Learning to Breathe

And if there isn’t a plan for me? If there isn’t a path or a fate or a destiny? What if faith is only a dream? I call on change, but change never seems to call on me. Fill the months with noise until they become obsolete. Hold my breath until I’m blue in the face, watch the day break and the night fade, again and again. Meet a lover, “alas!” we sing. Say good-bye, all in vain. The days are filled with Things.

You know, work, or school or pastimes in between. Get up. Coffee. Stay up. Hygiene. Tire myself out with exercise and routine. Break it all up with two weeks of sun in between. Decide that I’m tired of it all and go traveling. Drag my feet through the sand for a few years exclaiming that I’m ‘free,’ knowing all-well that I’m confined within the walls of my brain.

I mean, I laugh, I dance, I sing. It’s not to say that I don’t notice colour, or that my memories are bleak. It’s to say that I have found many of outlets. But what’s coming in? You see, it’s the quiet moments that get to me. The moments where focus dwindles from events of the day and all distractions wade away. Where skill and wealth and knowledge have no meaning. The Uninhabited Space.

So, I am searching for a deeper place. The place I sometimes travel to in sleep, the one I happen upon in dreams. My shadow moves without me. Sometimes I wake up hazy and find her in the dawn, grinning and dirty. “Oh, the places I go, the things I have seen,” she says to me. The questions I have! The wonder in me. She silhouette-smirks and attaches herself to the souls of my feet. She follows me through the day, a wild celestial being.

Well, I’ve found it before and I’ll find it again. I’ll blow through the days and come up with a plan. I’ll scale all the stars and write them down on a map, I’ll swing from the trees and soak in their sap. All of my wonderment oozing like blood from my knees. Each question answered, smooth and at ease. I’ll return in the mornings filthy and beaming. Ineffably aberrating, bringing all of you with me.

Until then, I still beckon on change and urge that it beckons on me. I’ll float through the days in search of my fate. Still blue in the face from all of these uncertainties.

A lesson incomplete on learning to breathe,
a learning curve on the inhale of love, abundance and peace.

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