I do not know where I am.
My mind is a cord unplugged, but I don’t mean raw or acoustic. I mean without electricity. Without fire or desire. I mean a bunch of wires waiting around.
I mean that the sun creeps up repeatedly and that the nights, they pass exceedingly. Sometimes I feel like the years, they are defeating me, but I’m told it’s not a game. It’s not a race.
So then why do I feel last? And why am I running so fast? Why do I move at a pace as fast as the days? Why am I breathless, and flustered and all spun around? It’s like I’ve lost track of the ground, and not in the good way, like I’m up in the clouds. It’s as if I’m hovering, feet dangling, hands balancing, while society does the handling. Maybe I’m just rambling, but I feel like I’ve lost control.
Like what is real has decomposed. Like I can’t appreciate that the repeating days are due to a hanging ball of flames. I mean, you’d think that’s pretty cool, but it all becomes commonplace.
And you know, I’ve been told that love saves the day. But I’ve only learned of love and its limits. Of its conditions. That it’s really quite ambitious, but more so uncompromising. That it builds up tall walls, but only wants to be held. I know that it fell.
I know that we all do. That too much has gone wrong. Too many lines have been drawn. I know that we’ve run out of patience. Everybody, everybody is just out to fill the empty spaces.
But I’m not sure when they’ve been filled. Walls too tall, can’t seem to rebuild.
Which brings me back to what I mean in its entirety.
I mean that I do not know what I want.
What I need.
I mean not to let negativity lead, but instead to grow from recognition. I mean to mean what I mean. I mean to become less disconnected, more introspective. To plug in the wires, let the rain fall, blow the fuse.
Start a fire.